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'I tried Lewis Capaldi's pizza from Tesco and Iceland and sadly I can now write a heartbreak hit'

Lewis Capaldi is known for songs like Somebody You Loved, Hollywood and most recently Forget Me. Coupled with his slapstick humour, his heartbreaking pop anthems have won him countless awards and grown his worldwide fanbase exponentially.

Now he’s launched a pizza brand. That’s right, the Scottish pop legend recently unveiled his newest brand Big Sexy Pizza.

In a four-minute video, available on the brand’s website where the cursor is a slice of pizza, Lewis explains the thought process behind “the move from music to pizza”. In his trademark Scottish accent, he jokes about lockdown’s banana bread era as the camera cuts from the interview to shots of Lewis tossing dough around his kitchen like a proper comedian.

The whole brand is just like Lewis: loud, bold, unashamed, unapologetic and hilarious. The website is full of puns, the pizzas are The Sexy Meaty One and The Cheesy Meaty One and their advertising is all Gen Z memes.

I’ve been to a Lewis Capaldi concert. I’ve sung the songs, laughed at the jokes and cried when the confetti escaped the ceiling. Now I was desperate for the Big Sexy Pizza to enter my mouth.

food, 'i tried lewis capaldi's pizza from tesco and iceland and sadly i can now write a heartbreak hit'

The packaging was stunning

The sexy circles are available at Tesco and Iceland, and I spotted the psychedelically coloured boxes as soon as I entered the food warehouse. A cartoon version of Lewis smiled out at me from the freezer and I could almost hear him whispering ‘right this way, hen’.

Sixteen minutes in a blasting hot oven – or as Big Sexy Pizza put it, the duration of sexual intercourse between European and Latin American couples – was all my pizza needed.

It wouldn’t be fair to judge Lewis’ pizzas without a little competition, so I chucked a Dr Oetker and a Goodfellas in the oven too. They both set me back £3 each and Lewis rinsed me for an extra pound per person. This better be good.

The Sexy Cheesy One waved a red flag at me as soon as it landed on my plate: there was no cheese pull. The pale yellow topping snapped limply when separated from its brethren as I lifted a slice in anticipation.

I had such high hopes for Lewis’ pizza so in case of disappointment, I turned to Goodfella’s margherita first. The cheese pulled at great lengths and almost reached my mouth before tenderly breaking in half.

The tomato sauce filled my mouth with herbs and perfectly salted richness and the thin, crispy crust carried its cheesy load perfectly, accompanying rather than overpowering them.

food, 'i tried lewis capaldi's pizza from tesco and iceland and sadly i can now write a heartbreak hit'

The cheesy one was more plastic than dairy

I couldn’t hold off any longer – it was time to put Lewis’ sexy pizza in my mouth. It came towards me in slow motion, blurring slightly as it touched my lips, time stopping for the second it took me to tear off a big bite.

The sauce was too salty and the cheese was more like plastic than something an Italian would be proud of. Instead of crispiness or fluffiness – which are both acceptable in a pizza – the sexy base had a distinct chewiness I struggled to get through.

food, 'i tried lewis capaldi's pizza from tesco and iceland and sadly i can now write a heartbreak hit'

Despite all the meat, this tasted like sugar

Over on The Sexy Meaty One, a surprising sweetness replaced the earlier salt and rendered the generous toppings futile as they struggled to overpower the American-style sugar bread. Where Dr Oetker’s meaty pizza was fuss-free, thin, crispy and perfectly seasoned, the supposedly sexy version lacked the balance needed to enjoy a pizza properly.

Instead of a stunning layer of tangy tomato sauce covered by mild dairy sprinklings and smothered with salty meat, it was just one-dimensional sweetness. It was more akin to eating a dessert pizza than a big meaty circle of yum.

It’s a good thing Lewis is an incredible singer, because I doubt there’s much future for him as a pizza chef with his current line-up. Though people might still buy the pizzas because they’re Lewis’, I’d urge you all to stick to the classics. After all, they’re famous for being good pizzas, not for being made by someone famous.

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